I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
