When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
