There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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