We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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