No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
