i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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