I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
