I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
