All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
