Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
