just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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