uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
