Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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