so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
