the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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