she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
