gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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