im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
