i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
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I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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