my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
cat food counts as protein by the way
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
