How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
