I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
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He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
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"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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