There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
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