i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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