I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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