Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
