I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The beer is more important than you right now.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
