I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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