Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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