I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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