I haven't been this sober since birth.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
