moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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