i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She's like a pop up book from hell.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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