So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
