So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
