You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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