capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
