Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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