Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
