I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
