margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
