Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
