I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
