I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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