i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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