smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
