What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
