And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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