Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
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we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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