I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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