She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
