Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
