I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
