I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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