What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
