No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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