I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Randomize
