dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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