At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
