I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
